By Brooke Rees | Columnist
No Time to Die (James Bond)
This is so obvious—I just have to put this out there, but wow what an ironic title for the current pandemic. I wholeheartedly agree with what I’m assuming was the PR department’s decision to push this film’s release back to November. Now, I don’t think I’ve seen a single James Bond movie, but let me summarize what I’m sure happens, so you can just skip right over this film in the fall. I’m assuming the film opens with Double 007 (is that his bra size?) in some sort of troubling situation. Perhaps he’s being chased by men with machine guns? Men with bow and arrows? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Men with some kind of weapon. Bond, of course, escapes. At one point, he has sex with a very attractive woman, takes his shirt off, and inevitably saves the world from total collapse. Unless James Bond knows how to develop a vaccine or get people to socially distance, we currently have no use for him.
A Quiet Place Part II
Aka, the ideal home working environment right now (please pay attention, Mom. I know you love using Alexa, but I also love graduating). I was actually a huge fan of the first film! I’m not usually one for horror, but I am one for Jim from The Office being an awesome person, so I was really into it. I thought the concept was very cool and well-executed, so the delay of its original March premiere was an actual blow to me. Given that this film was supposed to be both prequel and sequel, we would have seen America’s response to the beginning of an unprecedented disaster. Luckily, we got to see an in-person example of this occur with the coronavirus, and let me tell you, it was just as horrific. Seems like you can also skip this film when it finally comes out.
Avatar Sequels
Apparently there were 4 Avatar sequels in the making, supposedly being released every other year from 2021 to 2027. Please, God, do not give James Cameron another reason to procrastinate. I need to see these tall blue aliens have hair sex! But, given this delay, I’m sure Cameron will use the time to think up a way to increase the budget by another couple hundred million, just so he can have directed the most expensive movie of all-time once again. I truly do not know what that money is spent on, but I really hope it’s all on the catering budget. Here’s how I think the next Avatar film would have played out. The two main characters (whose names I can’t remember because it’s been 84 freaking years) are probably going to have some little alien kids running around. Since their entire habitat was destroyed in the last film, they’re going to be living in a suburban townhouse, just trying to lead a normal life. Actually, it seems like you could just watch The Smurfs instead and have a fairly similar viewing experience.