By Marriya Schwarz | Editor-in-Chief
Full disclosure: I’m that person who never opens most emails. On my phone right now, I have 112,230 unread emails because I’m incredibly chaotic. If that fills you with anxiety, no worries because I opened up 9 new emails from companies monitoring the COVID-19 situation back in March, and I analyzed them just for you! What follows is the definitive ranking of the COVID-19 monitoring emails I received starting from worst to best.
9) A Message from PayPal’s President and CEO, Dan Schulman
Author: PayPal
Release Date: March 24, 2020
Word Count: 950 words
Uh oh. Someone thinks he’s Henry James. 950 words? This is less of a toe dip into a pool of reassurances and more like someone’s yanking your foot and you underwater. First of all, points off for “unprecedented.” Yeah, we get it. The term feels overused, and I’m not afraid to say it, since we are PayPals after all. This feels less like a piece of transcending prose and more like… an email.
1/5 PayPal Credit Cards
8) To Our Forever 21 Family
Author: Forever 21
Release Date: March 17, 2020
Word Count: 395 words
This is the perfect example of Forever 21’s Chief Executive Officer, Daniel Kulle recognizing that we will not be “Forever 21” and we cannot hide in our privilege of being outside of the danger zone of this virus; we must think of those who are not “Forever 21.” But still, this is a piece that is very no-frill, which is not my particular style. Sure, we get nice paragraphs about their “thoughts continu[ing] to be with the entire nation” and having an “optimistic outlook for the future,” but where is the heart? Where is the soul in this piece? I can hear Kulle reaching out, trying to get to that heartfelt climax of the piece, but it stops too early – it’s cropped, like a top, if you will. To Our Forever 21 Family feels as if it was written by that distant extended family member you only speak to every 10 years at a Disney World family reunion and you two only bond over wearing matching custom-made graphic tees.
2/5 Purposefully Ripped Jeans
7) A message from Josh, our CEO
Author: Etsy
Release Date: March 20, 2020
Word Count: 309 words
Josh, our CEO, relies on the name-dropping way too much. We get it; you’re the CEO. Why does being a CEO make you “acutely aware of the important role we play in the lives of our entire community”? So, we have a rocky beginning, but we pick up a little bit as Josh (our CEO) reflects on the joy we get from objects (with a tinge of a capitalistic undertone) and he lists some examples of these objects, like “a cozy blanket, a kids crafting kit, some calming candles.” It’s unclear if Josh (our CEO) wants us to use all of these at once. I find the prose a bit muddled and riddled with commands and orders, like “simply choose to shop on Etsy.” Things are not always this simple, Josh. Our Ceo. But in a big redemption moment to finish off Etsy’s character arc, the author (Josh, our CEO) includes a heartwarming moment of Etsy investing money to drive sustained business for sellers and providing a one month grace period. I see you, Etsy.
2.5/5 Fake Autographs for Sale
6) A message from our CEO Roger Rawlins: Navigating COVID-19
Author: DSW
Release Date: March 13, 2020
Word Count: 232 words
Designer Shoe Warehouse’s debut COVID-19 email is full of twists and turns. Our narrator, CEO Roger Rawlins’ sympathetic voice reaches out to us like a warm cup of herbal tea at the end of a long day, which will appeal to even the most stubborn reader. Rawlins utilizes phrases, like “our hearts go out to everyone impacted” and “the health and safety of you and everyone in our DSW family is our priority.” Our hearts dropped when we learned that stores would temporarily close “starting Tuesday evening, March 17,” our spirits lifted when it was announced that “all stores will be professionally cleaned and sanitized” and we laughed joyously when our eyes skimmed the passage about emergency pay for store associates. Then, as a mistake that many new writers make, we end too quickly. Three-quarters of the way through this prose, we got a jarring advertisement for dsw.com. Suddenly, it felt as if our herbal tea of literary success was knocked out of our hands by promo codes of “SHOPONLINE” and “DSWPOINTS.” Despite its flaws, it was nice to walk for a bit in Roger Rawlins’ shoes, so to speak. Besides, Rawlins finished strong with an adapted High School Musical quote, free of Vanessa Hudgens’ anti-social distancing rhetoric. Yes, Roger Rawlins. We are all in this together. I’m happy to be part of our DSW community, too.
3/5 Uggs, since this email was also sent as a picture, rather as text.
5) An Update for Our Customers Regarding Coronavirus (COVID-19)
Author: Barnes & Noble
Release Date: March 18, 2020
Word Count: 300 words
Now, this is a read. Barnes & Noble has laser-focus on their rhetoric, pulling out words like “unprecedented” and “foremost.” Although I found the repetitive use of adverbs a bit distracting, this is a piece I can see myself in. I can see myself reflected in how they are reducing operating hours in all stores, and I cheer when they follow all guidance from health officials. With the growing dynamics of Amazon sellers, Barnes & Noble is well-known as the underdog of book retail (minus the even under-underdogs, the local bookstores), but it doesn’t feel like it from this passage. This email is quite a page-turner, especially when the cover is thrown open and we are exposed to our fleshy insides – they know we’re scared. They know we want to escape through typed-up adventures; they know us; they are us. The Barnes & Noble Team makes us feel supported and feel like our minds can leave the enclosures of our homes to soar above the towers of Hogwarts atop the back of a hippogriff or listen to Elizabeth Bennet’s poignant remarks in Pride & Prejudice. Barnes & Noble offers adventure from the comfort of our homes, and they won’t judge us for not wearing bras or real pants.
4/5 Funko Pops
4) An update on our restaurant experience
Author: Zoe’s Kitchen
Release Date: March 16, 2020
Word Count: 308 words
This isn’t CEO Brett Schulman’s first Mediterranean rodeo, since he came in strong with his debut email on March 12th. Getting out all of the kinks in the first email, this update ticks all the literary boxes. What Schulman accomplishes so well is his sense of detail. I feel like I’m there, breathing in tzatziki sauce while he whispers sweet nothings in my ear about suspending dine-in locations at all Zoes Kitchen locations, wellness logs for Team members, and a focus for local-specific changes. This email is a combination of assurance, transparency, and sympathy, all wrapped up in pita bread. Schulman’s focus on “continuing to serve the distinct needs of our diverse communities” makes me feel seen and I find his voice compelling throughout the piece. His signature greeting of “Be well” feels like it’s to me and to me only; I will be well, Brett. (Can I call you Brett?)
4/5 Cauliflower Rice Bowls
3) Update from Starbucks
Author: Starbucks
Release Date: March 17, 2020
Word Count: 349 words
Unlike the other COVID-19 emails I’ve received, this one feels like a friend. They’re learning along with us about this “dynamic” time. In fact, we even get a sign off as “Warm regards, Your friends at Starbucks.” When I haven’t been outside of my house in like 2 weeks and I’m only seeing people who share genetic material with me, a friend is really helpful at this time. In some emails, you’ll find that they are trying to be on top of the situation and figure it out, but Starbucks’ humble narrator lets us know that they’re confused too and that’s okay. They’re not going to come up with a vaccine any time soon; they’re just going to make you some coffee. This piece is self-aware; it doesn’t overstep the bounds of what a coffee company should be doing. It’s a refreshing segment of prose, almost as refreshing as their Starbucks Refreshers.
4/5 Venti Chai Lattes
2) Express will temporarily close stores
Author: Express
Release Date: March 17
Word Count: 112 words
Look, I’ve never been one for poetry, but Express’ delightful email touched me greatly. It’s a short and sweet read that is perfect for a once-over between Zoom calls or a bedtime story if you just don’t care anymore. In all caps, we start with “WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.” I don’t know if it’s the caps lock, but I felt it internally. We are all in this together, Express. They make sure to include that their store associates will receive compensation and that we can connect with them 24/7. I’m sure this is for customer service questions, but I may lean on them for a shoulder [pad] to cry on during this time. I’m so glad they offered. We finish with a delightful poem straight out of an Edgar Allan Poe piece but with less ravens.
“Express love.
Express yourself.
Express together.”
I’m trying.
4.5/5 blazers
1) Art provides meaning
Author: Redbubble
Release Date: March 20, 2020
Word Count: 417 words
Why haven’t we heard of Martin Hosking, Redbubble Co-founder and CEO, before? The man is a wordsmith if I ever heard one. M.K. Hosking’s big breakthrough comes in this Art provides meaning email that highlights what matters in this changing world. He understands that we are all “experiencing anxiety and fear,” but assures us that a new world will emerge out of this. I’m still basking in the light of his sympathetic tone and his understanding of the place of an artist in a changing community. There is even a moment where he speaks of Redbubble’s sister site TeePublic, which I can only imagine is a nod to those of us who are separated from our families during this crazy time. He finishes with this: “Creativity will help us get through this.” Martin, you don’t even have to say “And breadmaking.” We get it.
5/5 Obscure Office Quote Laptop Stickers
Stay safe out there, folks. And it’s going to be okay. Josh, our CEO, has everything under control.