*based on... the title, what I’ve heard, the trailer, lectures in my film classes that I should have paid attention to but didn’t, or my pure imagination.
By Brooke Rees | Columnist
Okay, ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, Mom (because I know you’re one of the few people who will actually read this), here’s how this is going to work: I recently took a Buzzfeed quiz that proclaimed that “Only film majors have seen 26/38 Of These Movies.” Me, a second semester senior film major, approached with caution, slowly checking off titles as I scrolled through the page. The moment of truth arrived; I had only seen 21 of the movies. Buzzfeed declared that I was not, in fact, a film major. That’s it. Degree gone. Now that I’m left only with a psychology degree (no I won’t provide you free therapy), I decided I should take that humbling experience and turn it into a column series. If you can’t capitalize on your most embarrassing moments, are you even American? Anyways, I decided I’m going to provide the world with my review of movies I’ve never seen before. We will start with the classics but maybe transition into more recent ones. My therapist and I have discussed the Cats trailer at length, but who knows what’s actually happening there plot wise? If you also haven’t seen these films, consider my review the final authority. Not Wikipedia. I don’t ask you for a monthly donation (although my Venmo is available
upon request). If you have seen these films, tell me how close I was to the actual plot. Or don’t. I love living in mystery.
STAR WARS:
Alright, I’m going to admit straightaway that I’m a bit of a fraud: I did see the original Star Wars for a film class, but I still have no idea what’s going on. First of all, they called it the fourth movie even though no other movies had been made. What a badass move. It’s like when I turn in a paper but change the date so it looks like I was actually working on it way beforehand. Props to you, George Lucas. Then, I also thought that Hans* Solo and Luke Skywalker were the same person—like Hans Solo was a fun nickname or his stripper name or something. Turns out that’s not true. Once I had that straightened out, this is basically what the rest of the movie was: This Luke dude was living with his aunt and uncle, but then they got burnt to a crisp. He really didn’t
give a crap because there were glow sticks to play with. Somehow, Hans Solo shows up, they raid a spaceship with a teddy bear, and then there’s incest. Roll credits.
THE GODFATHER:
Something with the mafia and taking a gun but leaving a cannoli—as if it were some weird form of payment. Upon reflection, I would love to be paid exclusively in cannolis. I’m going to assume that there is also a character who becomes a Godfather. Maybe a lovely baptism scene, some cute montages at birthdays or graduations where this dude you don’t know that well shows up, but he’s one of your parents’ old friends and he’s slightly creepy but gives you a card with a crisp 50 so you don’t really mind his presence, and you’re not even sure you believe in God, but at least you can use the money to buy pizza for your friends. Except for Sally. She’s been a bitch lately. Fine.