By Lucas Hauser | Staff Writer
These little guys were underappreciated in their time, but now we recognize their unquestionable beauty.
Before we begin this adventure into the land of imagination, I should have you know that I am strongly opposed to hypotheticals in most cases. They are generally a waste of time: meaningless thought exercises that give very little insight into understanding our actual reality. Again, I prefer to think about and discuss things that are, not what could be. To be honest, I could probably go two weeks without using the word “if” and not intentionally change a single thing about my speaking patterns.
However, desperate times call for desperate measures. As we deal with the fallout of the 92nd Academy Awards, it’s very safe to say that we are, in fact, in very desperate times. Thus, although it gives me no joy to do so, I consider it a public service — my obligation to this country and our shared culture — that I ask the question that so many of you secretly beg to be answered: what would the 2020 Oscars have looked like if the 2015 masterpiece from Illumination Entertainment, Minions, was included?
Let’s start with a refresher on the film itself. With a sequel coming later this year, this information will be a vital reminder in preparation anyway. The focus of Minions is just that, on the cute little yellow guys (who make fantastic memes for Facebook, I might add) and their expedition exploring the world on their own. Our beloved anti-hero/villain, Gru, plays a much smaller role because the emphasis is to learn not just about the elite patriarchy of evil but also the hardworking and oft-marginalized underlings. We learn that these adorable little evil doers have been working for evil masters for years until they finally connect with Gru in the regular Despicable Me timeline. In this backstory, the minions, with a focus on Kevin, Stuart, and Bob, all attempt to wreak havoc on the British Royalty until they have a change of heart and are subsequently knighted. Should you not remember any of this, I would recommend re-watching to understand. If you do remember, it wouldn’t hurt to witness a cinematic masterpiece once again!
• Best Picture: Minions
This one was tough, for sure. With so many exceptional films for consideration this year around, such as (the eventual winner) Parasite, 1917, The Irishman, Little Women, Ford v. Ferrari, Joker, Once upon a Time… in Hollywood, and others; there was no Green Book this time around to be a clear frontrunner for the award. However, in my review, things are slightly different; Minions is eligible to be the victor. And it is.
• Best Director: Greta Gerwig, Little Women
Much like Minions, in its first rodeo with the Academy in 2015, Greta Gerwig did not receive the level of praise equivalent to the impressive value of the artistic product. Yup, that’s right. I’m fixing the wrongs in the film world, one snubbed film at a time. If I were to include it, although I most certainly did not (otherwise I would have already mentioned it), Shawshank Redemption would also fall in this category. Redemption will come. It is only a matter of time before the never-ceasing march towards justice and what is right comes crashing down upon the Academy and settles these flagrant errors.
• Best Actor: Whoever animated Stuart, the Minion
There are several important points to bring up here. Although there are many schools of thought, I personally subscribe to the belief that Stuart is the most multifaceted of the Minions. His youthful innocence blends perfectly with his laziness and video game prowess. Did I mention that he likes bananas? When he got the snow globe from the Queen instead of the electric guitar he wanted, I could empathize so deeply with him. Full disclosure here: I almost lost it. But then he pouted and got exactly what he asked for—such a great lesson for kids! Stuart is undeniably the superior Minion, so whoever animated him deserves the Best Actor award.
• Best Animated Feature Film: Minions
With the addition of Minions to the pool of candidates here, I think this award category needs no further explanation.
• Best Cinematography: Minions
While I may not know what the word “cinematography” means, it seems self-evident that Minions takes the cake here. My guess is that it refers to how much I enjoyed watching it in a cinema. If that’s true, then Minions should win every year!
• Best Documentary Feature: Minions
While Minions is not necessarily a documentary, we need to take an alternative perspective on the matter, and then it becomes patently clear that Minions is the only possible choice for this category.
• Best International Feature Film: Minions
Let’s be clear on one thing. Yes, Minions was produced in the United States. However, it qualifies under international film because of its massive international box office presence. It was the fastest animated movie to gross $1 billion, with over 2/3 of that income coming from outside the US and Canada. With so much variation and a polarized international community, Minions was really the one thing that could unite a divided world. That’s why we must use the immense power held at the Oscars to reflect that reality and push for it in the future. Rewarding this film as a global symbol of unity, solidarity, and fart jokes sets a wonderful precedent for the future.
• Best Sound Editing: Ford v. Ferrari
This one I personally disagree with, but I think we have to still take into the context that the predictions I’m making still rest on the fact that these are the choices the committee would make if Minions was included. Therefore, although it does not reflect my views, Ford v. Ferrari also did a passable job in this category and is technically qualified to win. So, I guess that’s where they’d go, even if it’s unjustifiable. I believe, if the Academy took an honest look at it, Minions would be the unquestionable frontrunner for the award.
• Best Visual Effects: Cats
If you saw this movie, you know exactly where this is coming from. So amazing! The best part was that the producers announced a re-release version to send to theaters with better cat/people animations. Does it get any better than that?
• Best Original Screenplay: Minions
These people at Illumination Entertainment really know what they’re doing. After producing the legendary Despicable Me in 2010, they followed it up with the even better Despicable Me 2 and Despicable Me 3. To build upon that and create the instant-classic Minions—all within the time span of 5 years or so—is genuinely incredible. Yes, this one had you at the edge of your seat for the full 91 minutes. Its themes and imagery deconstructed ideas that we take as fundamental building blocks for society, and I cannot help thinking that Minions leaves all who watch it as changed people. I know for sure that I’ll never be the same. Thus, other films neither compare nor deserve consideration for the Best Original Screenplay category. Minions, deservingly, is the clear winner here.
There you have it, folks. While the Academy would never have the class nor the guts to say so, this is what the 2020 Oscars would have been if they also considered the 2015 masterpiece Minions in the contention. You may be shocked by how different the results look, but that is probably because you’re an idiot who forgot how great Minions was. What a waste of time this whole thought experiment was if you’re going to think like that. You’ll thank me later—just you see!
You’re welcome.
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