By Brooke Rees | Staff Writer
Okay, I’m going to be honest with you here; I only watched IT: Chapter 2 once, and that was over a month ago. But the images are regrettably still seared into my mind, so I still feel qualified to write this review. In fact, I feel compelled to write this review; it’s functioning like that form of therapy where you write out an angry letter to someone but never send it. Well IT: Chapter 2, here’s my angry letter:
Let me start by saying that I’m not the biggest horror fan in the world. I’m more the kind of person who gets dragged along to movies with my friends who are horror aficionados, or as I like to call them, “my friends most likely to become serial killers.” I like to think this makes me more of an unbiased judge, but that’s debatable. Anyways, I had seen the first IT when it came out a few years ago and, to put it simply, I liked it. The jump scares worked, my heart rate increased, and afterwards, I was terrified to put my body parts near any water drains; the film accomplished its goal.
When the sequel was announced, I was excited to see it, even though sequels have a long history of falling short (could this be foreshadowing?). I got to the theater, overpriced bucket of popcorn in hand, and what I saw was absolutely insane… and not in a good way. To start, we know the kids have been replaced by all-star older versions of themselves, and Jessica Chastain and James McAvoy are looking hot. What more could you want? Apparently, a lot more.
Immediately, one of the most forgettable members of The Losers Club, Stanley (Andy Bean), is killed off in a way that almost trivializes mental health and suicide. That’s a whole other issue, but really my question is: why? There was nothing in the plot that made this move essential, and the only reason I can come up with for it is that at some point the budget department was like, “Yeah we really don’t have enough money for another adult actor. Just kill him.”
Once The Losers regain their memories (cliche, Stephen King, cliche), realize IT is back to clowning around town, and decide they need to destroy him, the plot falls apart from there. My main man Mike (Isaiah Mustafa), the only dude that has been holding the fort, suddenly becomes an expert in Native American history and lore; they took the only person of color in this film and were like, “Eh, close enough to other races.”
If that’s not bad enough, Mike’s new found love of hallucinatory drugs makes him send The Losers out on a nearly two hour quest for tokens of their life in Derry. Besides a few jump scares (nothing new there), and a lot of shots of naked saggy boobs (not kidding), nothing else happens. This becomes especially annoying when the “tokens” serve zero purpose at the end of the film.
Now let’s talk about the final confrontation with everyone’s favorite clown. The Losers are back down in that weird scary well because apparently suburban adulthood doesn’t offer a lot of entertainment on the weekend. At one point, it seems like IT is about to be destroyed, as he is sucked up into a pink vortex that I can only describe as a vagina. Literally. An anatomy book drawing of a pulsing vagina with horns is the best this graphics team could come up with. Whatever. IT’s final demise, however, does not come until The Losers find that the only way to destroy IT is basically to hurl “your mother” style insults at him, until he shrinks into a tiny baby head. I can’t make this stuff up. Essentially, if faced with challenging people in your life, verbally bully them until they go away.
My hopes weren’t too high for this film, but my biggest complaint is that it simply was not scary. It was more just really weird and kind of gross. If I did find any positive takeaway, though, it would be this; always go to your high school reunion just in case you got hot and can finally get the redhead you’ve been pining after for 27 years to date you, because looks are the only thing that matters.
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