By Marriya Schwarz | Deputy Editor
Nora Donnelly | Editor-in-Chief
Breaking News: Most interesting person since Anderson Cooper comes to William & Mary.
Stepping off of the Beverly Hilton Stage at the Golden Globes and stepping onto an uneven brick sidewalk, Glenn Close will be gracing the William & Mary campus for this year’s commencement – an event that makes some seniors think “Huh, maybe this was all worth it.” Close graduated from William & Mary in 1974, where she majored in theatre and anthropology. This demonstrates the commonly held William & Mary idea that there’s enough room to pick a major that satisfies you and one that satisfies your parents. While at the college, she appeared on the gone-but-never-forgotten Phi Beta Kappa stage in productions, like “Antony and Cleopatra” (not in space) and “The House of Bernarda Alba.” In 1989, Glenn Close returned to William & Mary to receive an honorary doctor of arts degree and to speak at commencement. Coming back again for commencement, unlike The Mummy (2017) and Godzilla (2014), this is one remake we can get on board with.
Close’s arrival is paired with the revival of the long-lost restaurant, Oishii, often nicknamed “real food,” “a beacon of light,” and “the only thing keeping me alive.” Oishii plans to reopen its doors on May 9, 2019, a day before Close’s campus return. Glenn Close - more like Glenn Open. Her arrival will also coincide with the first time a female president has presided over commencement. Boundaries haven’t been this pushed since Close appeared in a cameo as a bearded pirate in the 1991 adventure film, Hook. (Yeah, we checked)
For many of us, we grew up surrounded by Close’s acting ability. She played the iconic villain, Cruella de Vil, in the 1996 film, 101 Dalmatians. Luckily, Glenn Close is not a method actor, so there is no reason to bar her from Dog Street. In reality, she has a dog, named Pippy that she Instagrams regularly at @glennclose. In college, she was known for bringing dogs on stage. Her dog, Penny, once jumped on stage because she thought Close was calling her - the most twampy of moves.
Glenn Close is well-known for her 2019 Golden Globe win for The Wife and appearing in Twamp Thanksgiving Dinner discussions when distant aunts ask, “What’s William & Mary?” And you say, “A liberal arts college in Williamsburg, Virginia.” And they say, “A what?” And you say, “It’s where Kala from Tarzan went to school.” For male relatives, you often refer to Air Force One instead.
Close currently resides in Bedford Hills, New York, but it is rumored that she occasionally meets up in a shady half-demolished New York apartment where she, Patton Oswalt, and Jon Stewart run a support group for successful William & Mary alumni. Although they must have tried, she has yet to reach any past American presidents via seance.
Commencement will be held in Zable Stadium on Saturday, May 11 at 8:30 AM if there is no rain. In the event of rain, all students are required to form a human umbrella and rip off expensive caps and gowns to form a carpet to protect Glenn Close at all costs. If there is no rain, students may be required to perform these behaviors anyway. She is all we have.
Case [Glenn] Closed.