*based on... the title, what I’ve heard, the trailer, lectures in my film classes that I should have paid attention to but didn’t, or my pure imagination.
By Brooke Rees | Columnist
Dear reader, I know you have long awaited my return just as I have longed to put quill to paper (can you tell I’ve been watching Pride and Prejudice again—only the Kiera Knightley version, of course, because I am nothing but classy). What has happened in the time we were apart? Have you taken a new lover? Personally, I have spent many precious hours devoting myself to the art of whistling. Never before had so much as a squeak passed through my pursed lips. But no longer—I can now whistle with the best (worst) of them. Yet I am still awaiting that final moment, the culmination of my hard work: the wolf whistle. I plan to take up a temporary job as a construction worker just to pass this final test and make a woman feel uncomfortable walking in the city. Of course, this will take many hours of training, and I have little confidence in my ability to successfully navigate a jackhammer (I often trip when there are absolutely no obstacles in my way); yet I will keep my eyes on that fluorescent-orange-vest prize. But until then, I am back with another installment of “Reviewing Movies I’ve Never Seen Before”*. That’s right, I have survived yet another few months in the life of a film major who has not seen the “classics.” Here’s to all those noncommittal gestures and mumbled “uh huhs” uttered in embarrassment and ignorance while fraternizing with my more sophisticated film friends. Without further filler, here’s my review of films I’ve never seen before (or what I hope they will be about).
Taxi Driver
Personally, this title feels a little outdated in this modern era. I petition we change it to “Uber Driver” or, if we are desperate, “Lyft.” All I know about this film is that the main character has anger management problems. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. Traffic is the absolute worst. Also, if I had to make the same constant small talk to strangers every day of my life, I would definitely have homicidal tendencies. I barely like speaking to my friends. No, Karen, I don’t want to hear about your new “hot yoga” class. I don’t care that it’s so much better than all the regular yoga classes. All I know is that your sweat is dripping onto my backseat and it’s absolutely disgusting. Come to think of it, in my mind, I hope this film is a dark psychological thriller. Pushed to the limits by the stupidity of the general public, a taxi driver embraces the inherent evilness of man and... vastly overcharges his customers, purposefully taking indirect routes. You thought I was going to say he murders them, right? Nope. Capitalism is the real enemy. Roll credits.
Synecdoche, New York
Now for this one, I actually literally positively have zero clue what it’s about plot-wise. I know when my film friends talk about it, however, they all nod kind of seriously and give each other knowing, melancholy glances. Based on this reaction alone, I’m going to guess that this film is about the fracking industry. Having grown up directly on the Pennsylvania/New York border and experienced the “fracking boom” firsthand, I feel like I have a level of authority in this matter. Like my town, I’m going to guess that the film features a mysteriously high rate of very specific cancers, possibly a river so polluted you could light it on fire and maybe even many failed businesses from the “boom and bust” of industry. Ah, the small-town life. Now, I also passed AP English (shout out to my teacher who had anger issues and threw a recycling bin at a kid’s head. Can you tell I went to public school?) so I know that “synecdoche” is a figure of speech where a part represents the whole. If the fracking idea is not on the right track, then based on this fact, I’m going to guess that the film is about a bunch of pretentious grammar snobs living in a New York-based commune. Aka the New York City poetry scene. The End.
Alas, I will continue to take my friends’ suggestions of films I should watch and say that I’ll “add them to the list” but continue to re-watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls instead. How else could I continue writing this column? Until next time, dear reader.