By Lucas Hauser | Editor-in-Chief
The 1980s (a time period, for the purposes of this article, that is liberally interpreted to include the 1990s) brought to the fore the musical genre of the power ballad. Often performed by hard rock groups seeking a softer appeal, these power-chord filled and slow-paced love songs came to define bands and music in the era. Looking back, it is clear that many of these cheesy songs also distinctly correspond with certain types of cheese!
Therefore, to provide the world with a greater understanding about the connections between the culinary and musical arts, we must go through the hard work of examining which cheesy power ballads resemble which cheeses. Though it may seem corny, this exercise is crucial for our understanding of music and food in our society today.
So here we go. Using this thought exercise, I will rank the best power ballads and the best cheeses, identifying which songs and cheeses encapsulate each other most fully.
Listen to the cheesiness on Spotify (thanks to Mason Cook for making this playlist because I don't have Spotify): https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1f980bnQlDzsGOc32KEQYd
Cheese: String Cheese
This 1986 hit from the Swedish band, Europe, topped the charts and has lived rent-free in our heads ever since. Consisting of a catchy synth riff and ridiculously predictable lyrics, this song has all the components for a generic pop hit. Like string cheese, “The Final Countdown” is not very good but addictive once you get going. Also easy to break apart and produce the same result, like string cheese, because the song is so repetitious. Not a good cheese. Not a good song. This is not the 8th-best power ballad (nor is string cheese the 8th-best cheese), but it needed to be addressed for posterity’s sake.
Cheese: Parmesan
Jon Bon Jovi’s first solo hit listed under his name (instead of his band called just “Bon Jovi”) came with some punch. This power ballad carries a distinctive country-rock twang and manages to be glam rock, western rock, and cheesy power pop all at once. Such a distinctive versatility reminds us of parmesan cheese, which is similarly adaptable and used best in conjunction with other things. Neither the cheese nor the song remain content to be categorized in neat boxes, leaving us always coming back for a little more.
Cheese: Gouda
Transitioning from their hard-rock era in the 1970s and early 1980s, Heart produced the breathtaking “Alone” with a softer yet captivating sound. This heartstopper (see what I did there?) really contains it all, bringing the listener along for an emotional rollercoaster for spellbinding highs and suddenly somber lows. Like gouda cheese, this cheesy ballad is mild, yet powerful-- tasteful, yet shameless.
Cheese: Feta
Bryan Adams, from the exotic land of Canada, gives us a song sappy enough for a country defined by maple syrup. Unambiguous in the title, chorus, and verses, Bryan Adams’ premier hit is a quintessential power ballad. Asking the listener to “look into your heart,” “search your soul,” and “take me as I am,” because “I’d die for you,” this song pulls out all the stops in the poetic lyrics, chock full of assonance and simple rhyming patterns. Although it is quite drippy, this song brings a lighter and more transparent sound than many 1980s hits which relied heavily on the synthesizer. Like feta cheese, this song is not filling but is reliable and, in the right situation, is exactly the right thing. Even though Bryan Adams is vegan, I think he would approve of this cheese comparison.
Cheese: Swiss
A whopping 8 minutes and 57 seconds, Guns N’ Roses provides both quality and quantity with “November Rain.” The orchestral opening precedes a delicate love song that accelerates into a harder rock sound as the emotional frustration grows. Perfect for a rainy day, this power ballad brings some electric guitar punch alongside its tender opening. However, a song so long and ambitious has some holes, like its spirit cheese- swiss cheese, but “November Rain” and swiss cheese are very good and wonderful in large amounts, more than making up for the shortcomings.
Cheese: Provolone
Although it did not receive the popularity or critical acclaim of some of the other songs on this ranking, “Open Arms” more than pulls its own weight. Truly heartfelt, immaculately powerful, and dripping with an intricate entanglement of emotions, Steve Perry delivers one of Journey’s best songs and arguably one of the greatest love songs in recent decades. Like provolone cheese, “Open Arms” is criminally underrated but unbelievably impressive and always gets the job done. You can taste the love, despair, reflection, and desperation in every bite of provolone cheese, just like you can hear it in every word of the 1982 hit. All in all, “Open Arms” and provolone cheese deserve greater appreciation, and I will not rest until they do.
Cheese: Cheddar
Emblematic of all the critical characteristics of a power ballad, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” is perhaps the quintessential hair-metal power ballad. A markedly softer tone from a traditionally hard-rock group, Poison fits the bill. With a relaxed tempo, layered vocals, and a decidedly unsaturated opening sound (a rarity potentially preceding the “unplugged” trend that would come in following years), “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” brings it all. Sappy lyrics with traditionally cheesy love song metaphors come comfortably yet impactfully. Cheddar cheese, Poison’s dairy simpatico, is the gold standard cheese. Agreeable, dependable, versatile, and flavorful enough to get the job done. A very good cheese that is embodied by a very good cheesy power ballad.
Cheese: Colby Jack
The greatest power ballad of all time, in my non-expert opinion, comes from Aerosmith, whose resurgence to superstardom in the late 1980s and 1990s was capped off with the chart-topping “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” in 1998. Steven Tyler performs a soaring, sincere, and sweet ballad that begs a singalong and air guitar. With an orchestral and choral background to the power pop instrumentation, this song is a powerful blend of the best, making the whole greater than the sum of its parts, just like colby-jack cheese. A combination of colby and monterey-jack cheese, nothing can compare to the powerful duo of fantastic flavors. Like Aerosmith’s heartthrob performance, this cheese is simply the best. You can disagree, but you’d be wrong.
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