By Lucas Hauser | Staff Writer
Oh, how I loathe them. Those “scientists” don’t know me. I don’t know them, but I know what they are. I can hardly bear myself to say the wretched acronym aloud. The CDC—purveyors of evil!
Let’s step back for a moment to prevent my anger from boiling over into a rage-filled rant. Actually, I find it unlikely that I will boil over. In fact, I’m doing just fine. What are you talking about? You might ask. Well, let me tell you.
We are entering a time unlike any other in our memories. The government-mandated quarantine has upended lives entirely. No more going outside, going in to work, or interacting with other people. Millions of people are trapped in their homes, in tight quarters with their families with no legal or responsible respite.
I am aware that this is very stressful for people and highly disruptive. However, I’m finding it very hard to empathize with those who don’t have the virus. That may sound callous, but it comes from my complete lack of understanding of how you guys live. To tell you the truth, my life hasn’t changed all that much, and that’s the problem.
I am angry and panicked. That is the mood everyone seems to have. Therefore, that seems to be how I must feel. It is important to be acutely aware of the national mood. Fortunately, my sensing abilities are so fantastic that I choose to make my expressions mimic the zeitgeist of the moment.
My normal behavior makes me especially prepared for a catastrophic event such as this. And no, I’m not some survivalist loser or whatever. I hold myself in much higher respect than those guys. Although economists may not like me, I consider myself neither employed nor unemployed. Working only contributes to the capitalist system, and we can’t have that.
I have heard that the virus does not spread if you are in the basement. Accordingly, I have spent over 85% of the last 10 years in my parents’ basement, which is now my very comforting bunker. While the rest of you panic and start rewatching The Office or something, you should take comfort in the fact that I will be still perfectly healthy and happy by maintaining my daily routine.
You could call me a cultural connoisseur, considering how much television I watch. I will venture to call myself that. If you disagree, you should probably watch more TV and spend less time disagreeing with me.
Even though I live a superior lifestyle that is undeniably more intelligent and disaster ready, I am also mad. Livid mad. White hot anger. Uncontrollable rage. You see, I have not been deprived much. Rarely do I leave the house or interact with others in general. Many of you are taking to Zoom or FaceTime to stay in contact with friends and such. I prefer to dedicate that time to myself, and it works well. It’s a very low-drama way of doing things. Because my life has not changed, you might think that I should not care about the lifestyle changes from the pandemic. But I care. I am furious.
Although my lifestyle is far more secure than others and perfectly enjoyable, I always treasured the hypothetical possibility (never enacted upon) of going out and “meeting the neighbors” and “enjoying the sunshine” and all that namby-pamby nonsense. And now even that is gone.
All my pent-up anger is directed at doctors and the CDC, which seems rational. They make all these projections and say how bad everything is, which closes off my theoretical ability to be a normal member of society. It is their fault for trying to understand and take restrictive precautions that protect us.
My only solace is that I wasn’t going outside anyway.