By Sam Rubin | Staff Writer
What is a bagel? Bagels are circular yeasted and boiled bread rolls with a hole in the middle, popular in the 16th and 17th century Jewish communities in Poland, and brought to America in the 19th century by Jewish immigrants to East Coast cities like New York. When you hear the word “bagel,” what do you imagine? A luxurious umptious bagel covered in everything seasoning? A plain bagel with cream cheese? I’m not here to argue the superiority of an everything bagel over its plain, egg, or sesame bagel-brothers. I’m here to question where we draw the line. In my mind, the ideal bagel is a chewy, New York-style, everything bagel topped with whitefish, or cream cheese and lox, leaving my mouth quivering with flavor and my breath smelly for the rest of the day. A perfect bagel for me is one where I have to brush my teeth 2 or 3 times to fully rid my taste buds of its memory. A bagel should leave those around you well aware you have eaten a bagel, blessing the room with the scents of garlic, onion, and sesame that we all hold dear.
When I moved from a predominantly Ashkenazi Jewish community in the suburbs of Baltimore to Williamsburg, I had accepted my fate that I may not find a bagel of the quality I was used to. But, just like the many nontraditional options Commons offers up, the new bread chef on campus has been blessing us with freshly made bagels. Though the everything’s are slightly underseasoned, they are better than the bagged and pre sliced “bagels” typically available. But this month, the bread maker at Caf has been treading very close to the line. Starting Monday, February 15th, the Caf will be offering White Chocolate Cranberry bagels. Yes I will say it again, White! Chocolate! Cranberry! When I first heard this, I assumed it was a typo. Those flavors are ones you’d find in scones, or muffins. Both are delicious breakfast delicacies, who have their place on the sweet side of the spectrum. Bagels, on the other hand, are meant to be a vessel for comfort food and, if you ask me, should not dip into the dessert category. Eggs, avocados, lox, and maybe some breakfast meats are acceptable, but where does one draw the line? If we are to continue on this path, where will we end up in the next month of bagel specialties? Mocha bagels? Pumpkin spice bagels? Gingerbread bagels? I sure hope not. Bagels are becoming a trend that degrades the holy name of the bagel. Oreo bagels with cookies and cream cheese? No sir! Rainbow bagels? Thank u, next!
As an Ashkenazi Jew with family roots in Poland, who is very proud of my cultural heritage, I refuse to let it be tarnished by the hipsters and modern cooks who seek to make bagels an Instagram-able food. My feed, and my cafeteria, don’t need to be filled with colorful swirls, creative toppings, or outlandish flavors. Caf, why not experiment with different regional preparations of bagels? Montreal bagels are wood fired and are distinctly sweeter and denser than the classic New York style bagel which offers a chewy interior and a glossy crust. I’ve seen sourdough bagels or bagels brewed with beer gain popularity. I’d even take a more modernist dish of bagel chips with cream cheese dip! Though the undeniably best bagel flavor is everything, the bagel offerings on campus are going off the rails. This path we are on, manipulating the best carb out there can go on no further! We must stop this development before it starts to tarnish the bagel’s centuries-old tradition. Now I beseech you, dear reader. Think into the bottom of your heart and find no space for such a bagel. White Chocolate Cranberry is a wonderful flavor combination that would be amazing in a truffle or a cake, yet it does NOT belong in a bagel.